Hey peeps!!
Okay….Well, I don’t know how to gently lead up to something like this so I’m just going to come out and say it:
It has been a very thought-provoking couple of days.
I had a meeting with someone on Tuesday.
I was asked to pray about why I am where I am and why I feel God brought me to this place.
I’m struggling right now, to say the very least.
Sometime last semester, I was in a room where someone got a prophetic word and a vision or either/or. I don’t remember specifics.
The point was that it was an emotional meeting. I was crying and it was a mess.
Anyway, the word or vision or whatever was that it involved me and a mask and like God lifting my face towards Him.
I’m sure there was more to it than that but that’s what really stood out to me. Like I said, it’s been quite some time since then.
I’ve really been thinking a lot about that the past couple of days.
Seeing as how it is 2:07am, technically today is Thursday.
So anyway..on Tuesday, after this little meeting, I did a lot of thinking and praying.
I’m just gonna come out and say it:
My attitude the past few days has pretty much sucked in every essence of the word.
I have ALWAYS viewed showing emotion as a sign of weakness.
If I reach my breaking point and am about to break down, I do it behind closed doors and come out like nothing ever happened.
Upon thinking about the mask and all of that, especially with the events of the past couple of days, tonight being the freakin’ epitome of this revelation, I have come to realize that the mask is basically my emotions and how I have this mindset, and I doubt very seriously that it will change…
The revelation without my rambling:
I feel that when everything around me is crumbling and I am at my weakest, I have to be the one to remain strong. I have to be the one that even if I’m a train wreck I have to be the one to hold it all together. Everyone else around me can be crying and all that and I am the one with this mask of being strong when on the inside, I’m an emotional wreck.
‘Seriously, you can ask anyone in my family and they will tell you that if I’m at my breaking point, I can go from being ‘happy and smiling’ when I’m around my parents or whatever and the second I close the door to my room, I’m sobbing hysterically.
I honestly do not know where it stems from but that’s the way I’ve been since I was young. And being so incredibly stuck in my ways, I’m not sure that it will change.
Now that we’ve gotten through the Dr. Phil part of this blog, we can move on to the next topic:
Being asked to pray about where I am….
It more or less ties in with a conversation I had with someone tonight via Facebook IM.
I know that I am probably gonna get a TON of backlash and probably crucified and it’s kind of too soon to say anything but all I can say at this particular moment, all I can say is that I may have plans for the summer, which could include a very real chance of summer school to up my borderline obsolete GPA.
I’m not sure where I plan on taking said summer school but that’s gonna be in the works soon.
What I can say is that I have done a lot of thinking about everything that’s happened the past semester..and a half, I guess.
What I can say is that this will be one of the hardest blogs I have posted this far.
What I am about to say could very well be my fate for fall.
This was a very difficult decision and right now, I think is the best decision for everyone. Let me be clear: This. Is. Not. Final. I have NOT made the ultimate “Going for it and there’s no turning back” decision yet. For right now, and this is very well subject to change, but I feel that the place God has called me is not Family of Faith.
The past few weeks, and I think I may have said a little bit about this in my last blog but in the last few weeks, I have really been doubting if God really and truly wants me here at Family of Faith or if I was running out of pent up emotion and anger.
I have been agonizing over this decision and as I was praying, God led me to Psalms 139 which reminded me that He has all of this figured out and I just need to let go and let God.
Anyway, as I was agonizing over all of this, I gained this new perspective or whatever and got another revelation about why I have been doing all of this questioning and soul searching. One thing that God more or less reminded, for lack of a better word, me that every time something happens that I either don’t want to deal with or I don’t know how to deal with, I run from it. Every time.
God basically showed me that I really need to make decisions based off of what He wants rather than what I want.
God basically spoke to me that I need to step back and see what He wants me to do rather than just looking at a situation and deciding right then what I should do.
Overall, God knows best….which brings whole new meaning to “Father knows best!”
Anyway, it is 3:15am and I’m tired.
Oh yeah, and to add some sassiness to this pretty little blog, Snow Day Number 6 or 7 is…today…Surprise, surprise.
So I’m headed to bed and then upon waking up, I will be spending the better part of the day working on my book critique, which is still not done (GRR!!) and then working on my portfolio and making sure it’s really nice and neat-looking.
Gotta go!
Bye, peeps!!
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