I Need to Do This

Hey.

Okay so I know that I’ve sorta let this blog fall to the wayside.

Uhm…there’s just a lot of stuff going on right now and it’s really been difficult trying to process all of it.

In fact, I’m still processing it.

I had a really dramatic weekend and my dad and I got into a really heated confrontation which resulted in him telling our whole church about the source of said confrontation…my grades.

There are so many thoughts in the back of my mind about whether or not I will stay at the church I’ve basically grown up in since I was 8 years old or if I’m gonna start going somewhere else or what.

From talking with my mom, basically until things settle down in the coming weeks, when I go home next week I will not be at First Christian.

Part of me is totally furious that it had to reach this point but another part of me is like “WTH?! How did I get here?”

I think that even though I want to be the bigger person and I want to be the adult here and put this behind me and move forward and act like it never happened, it’s still really like a blunt force that I may have to change churches because of this.

I’m still praying about all of this and hopefully by the time I go home, my decision will be based off of what God wants rather than “I’m crazy infuriated and I’m doing this based off of my emotion and my animosity towards him and the things he did.”

God, I need therapy. hahaha.

I think the biggest thing I’m dealing with is the fact that when I’m up here at school, I feel like I have to basically forget that I’m going through all of this. It sucks because I’m not letting anyone see behind this masquerade of emotion. To be perfectly honest, it reminds me of that song by Casting Crowns– Stained Glass Masquerade where he says:

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the onlyone in church today feeling so small?

‘Cause when I take a look around,

Everybody seems so strong

I know they’ll soon discover

That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away,

Like everything’s okay

If I make them all believe it,

Maybe I’ll believe it too

So with a painted grin

I play the part again

So everyone will see me

The way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feeling so small?

I know they’ll soon discover that I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away,

Lke everything’s okay

If I make them all believe it,

Maybe I’ll believe it too

So with a painted grin,

I play the part again

So everyone will see me

The way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation’s open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there?

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who’s traded

In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

————-

Okay now..

With everything that’s happened the past few days, I feel like I’m being totally fake.

It sucks because it’s like “Well, I’m so furious at him but yet, I want to get closer to God…I feel so stuck between myself and everything that’s happened.”

Speaking from past experiences, every time something like this happens, I go into my own little cave and push everyone else away. I rarely allow anyone to really reach out to me and try to pull me out of it…or I run and completely avoid it altogether.

At this point, I feel like I can’t be real. I feel like if I do show some of the raw emotion I’ve been feeling since last weekend, I’ll let my weaker side come in and take over. In my screwed up logic (or not), I feel like if I admit that I’ve kinda been defeated, everyone will be like “oh…she’s so weak and not strong at all like I thought”.

I cannot let that happen.

At this point, I’m just gonna block it out, make school my only focus, and then deal with the rest when it comes.

Anyway, this thing is a lot longer than I expected.

Sarah out!