I Need to Do This

Hey.

Okay so I know that I’ve sorta let this blog fall to the wayside.

Uhm…there’s just a lot of stuff going on right now and it’s really been difficult trying to process all of it.

In fact, I’m still processing it.

I had a really dramatic weekend and my dad and I got into a really heated confrontation which resulted in him telling our whole church about the source of said confrontation…my grades.

There are so many thoughts in the back of my mind about whether or not I will stay at the church I’ve basically grown up in since I was 8 years old or if I’m gonna start going somewhere else or what.

From talking with my mom, basically until things settle down in the coming weeks, when I go home next week I will not be at First Christian.

Part of me is totally furious that it had to reach this point but another part of me is like “WTH?! How did I get here?”

I think that even though I want to be the bigger person and I want to be the adult here and put this behind me and move forward and act like it never happened, it’s still really like a blunt force that I may have to change churches because of this.

I’m still praying about all of this and hopefully by the time I go home, my decision will be based off of what God wants rather than “I’m crazy infuriated and I’m doing this based off of my emotion and my animosity towards him and the things he did.”

God, I need therapy. hahaha.

I think the biggest thing I’m dealing with is the fact that when I’m up here at school, I feel like I have to basically forget that I’m going through all of this. It sucks because I’m not letting anyone see behind this masquerade of emotion. To be perfectly honest, it reminds me of that song by Casting Crowns– Stained Glass Masquerade where he says:

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the onlyone in church today feeling so small?

‘Cause when I take a look around,

Everybody seems so strong

I know they’ll soon discover

That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away,

Like everything’s okay

If I make them all believe it,

Maybe I’ll believe it too

So with a painted grin

I play the part again

So everyone will see me

The way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feeling so small?

I know they’ll soon discover that I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away,

Lke everything’s okay

If I make them all believe it,

Maybe I’ll believe it too

So with a painted grin,

I play the part again

So everyone will see me

The way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation’s open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there?

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who’s traded

In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

————-

Okay now..

With everything that’s happened the past few days, I feel like I’m being totally fake.

It sucks because it’s like “Well, I’m so furious at him but yet, I want to get closer to God…I feel so stuck between myself and everything that’s happened.”

Speaking from past experiences, every time something like this happens, I go into my own little cave and push everyone else away. I rarely allow anyone to really reach out to me and try to pull me out of it…or I run and completely avoid it altogether.

At this point, I feel like I can’t be real. I feel like if I do show some of the raw emotion I’ve been feeling since last weekend, I’ll let my weaker side come in and take over. In my screwed up logic (or not), I feel like if I admit that I’ve kinda been defeated, everyone will be like “oh…she’s so weak and not strong at all like I thought”.

I cannot let that happen.

At this point, I’m just gonna block it out, make school my only focus, and then deal with the rest when it comes.

Anyway, this thing is a lot longer than I expected.

Sarah out!

Just Another Update from the Mind of Sarah Lynn

Hey peeps!!

Okay so this is probably gonna be short and sweet.

Uhm…school is going great…for those that are following me on Facebook are pretty much in the loop on the day to day things that go on in my life.

I have completed my first week of the new semester and I really think that it will DEFINITELY be a LOT better than last semester, not that it wasn’t awesome, but it was definitely a learning experience.

Uhm..there are some other things that have happened that I am not ready to release at this point and time but when the time IS right, I will be unvealing those.

Even now that there are large changes in the process, it’s gonna be interesting to see what’s gonna happen!!

Well, I’m outta here!!

BYEE!

TO THE BEST SEMESTER EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heyy everyone!

Okay so I just got back from a meeting with a really good friend and there are gonna be some MASSIVE changes in both my study habits and other aspects in my life. It’s pretty crazy how I just up out of nowhere started a blog. Haha. I’m really excited to see where it takes me. But I digress. Anyway…

So I’m back in my dorm room getting ready to clean and do a little laundry and then get organized to see what I need to get done for the rest of this week and hopefully, get a jump start on the reading for next week.

I’m doing whatever the heck it takes for me to be the student that I know I can be. Y’know, it’s so weird how I came to this school, almost to the point of total devestation where I was so worn down by a lot of stuff that went down at my old school where I didn’t have the physical strength to hold my head up. 

I’m still not where I want to be in both my spiritual and academic life but I know that eventually, I will get to that point to where actually wanting to spend time with God and wanting to study won’t be like something I HAVE to do but something I WANT to do. I cannot wait until I get to that point.

There are many changes I want to make in my personal family life.

I truly want the relationship between my dad and I to be much stronger. I really want to be able to hug him without having a vile taste in my mouth or having that uncomfortable, awkward feeling.

I really think that this semester will be the BEST SEMESTER EVER!!! And I am sooo excited to see how it’s all gonna unfold.

Love you!!

Sarah

The Ever-Cliché New Year’s Post

Hey everyone!!
Okay so like the heading clearly says….duhm da da dummmm!!

It’s time for the new years post!!

Sooo….here goes nothing!!

Alrighty…

1. Kick butt this semester.

It sounds soooo cliche but if you saw my grades, you would know how hell bent I am on not screwing up again. It’s a bittersweet thing to see how badly I screwed up. I don’t know what my deal was but it is NOT happening again. I’m doing whatever the hell it takes for me to get back to where I know I should be.

2. Read 1 book a month for myself.

I’m thinking of doing an experiment where instead of logging onto Facebook at 10pm, I’m gonna read until I fall asleep. Hopefully it will help in me going to bed a LOT earlier than I did last semester.

3. STUDY, STUDY, STUDY

Okay so….this more or less goes hand in hand with me kicking butt in school. My plan is to de-activate the Facebook the week I have a test so that I am not faced with the temptation of spending hours chatting with friends and endless hours on FarmVille. Will it work?? We shall see. hahaha. 

4. No vending machine food

I also have another experiment going where I’m not gonna eat food from a vending machine. Instead, I’ll consume healthier snacks.

5.  Journal a LOT more

I promised myself I would do this last semester and after a month, it more or less fell by the wayside. I really want to spend 2 hours a day writing…after all homework and other obligations are done.

6. Don’t skip class or prayer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so…I slept through class more than I would have liked last semester and I plan on working toward not missing any class sessions or prayer unless I’m sick or something.

7. Have an all-around better attitude

I plan on working on having a better attitude and more of a teachable spirit towards everything and not being so ‘put off’ by the comments of others.

8. Grow in my faith and get closer to God

I think this is probably one of the most important things to constantly work towards. I plan to spend a LOT more time with God and praying a LOT more than I ever did before.

And there ya have it!!
Talk to you guys later!!
Byeeeeee!

Pointless Ramblings

Heyy everyone.

Okay so..This is pretty much my last day of freedom before I go back to school on Sunday.

I’m spending the better part of tomorrow with my mom and then heading off to a young adult retreat tomorrow night and Saturday, coming back that night.

Oh, my gosh…

It feels really weird that I’m about to go back to reality and pick up where  I left off.

hahaha. This semester is gonna rock!!

And…this is the most pointless post ever. hahaha.

The next post will be the ever-obligatory New Year’s post. hahaha.

Time of Death….Inspired by Grey’s Anatomy

The first death on your watch isn’t even your fault. You’re just one of the many interns who rush to the bedside when the code is called, peering at the doctors crowding around. As the patient gasps and chokes, you too gasp and choke as each electric shock blasts through the body. The doctors are grim-faced but determined; you hopelessly wonder why they even bother. Again and again the voltage is cranked up, but thunderbolts can only do so much.

The doctor holding the paddles slowly turns away from the flaccid flesh and another quietly asks, “Time of death?” You back away, feeling as if the defibrillator was really meant for you as your heart pounds out its own furious pace. A devastated mother takes your wrist. “Time of death?” she whispers, mis­taking you for a doctor, someone who tried his best to resuscitate her darling daughter, someone who knew what he was doing, someone with guts enough to challenge death. Not a first-year intern who never could remember which number was the systolic for blood pressure, not someone who didn’t even dare to take blood sugar levels.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” you blurt. “You’ll be able to talk to the doctors inside …,” you mumble, patting the trembling hand. She bites her lip and nods, letting go of the scrubs that you shouldn’t be wearing, the scrubs reserved for those who can save lives, not for those who don’t even know how to gently break death to a loved one.

The third death is similar, only this time you’ve been dragged along for scut work. You’re the one ramming your hands into the sternum, trying to force the fluttering heartbeat into your rhythm. You’re the one leaping out of the way of the defib paddles, jumping back to start compressions again. The patient bottoms out, but after the paddles thunder a third time, you can feel the thump of the heart, tangoing with yours as you collapse against a chair, arms quivering with strain. You shudder with relief. You brought him back. You saved him. You.

The eighteen death is the hardest. That little baby in neo-natal care should never have been forced to live on machines. Each breath is a struggle, and the medications are flowing in a poisonous concentration for such a small body, yet the parents insist on continuing the farce of life. They’re unwilling to bear any grief while their baby boy wheezes and thrashes weakly, seeking comfort but receiving only the hard embrace of a hospital cradle and the groan of machines.

The mother shrieks, “He’s blue! Do something!” After you reach the crib and despair at the readouts, you motion the code team away and beckon to the mother and father.

“The best thing for him is to take him off the machines,” you say.

The dad glares. “You want to kill him.”

They don’t understand the torture they have put him through. “If he even survives a year, he will be severely physically and mentally disabled. For life,” I persist.

The mother moans, “He’s blue! I don’t care. Just save him! Now!”

You nod at the code team, maneuvering yourselves around the tiny crib and pulling off the oxygen mask, trying to fit your large palms against the flimsy baby with his face scrunched up in a silent wail. The heart drugs aren’t having any effect due to the amount of medication already flowing through his body.

“Use the shocker!” the mother wails.

“We can’t!” you snarl, trying to give compressions to a weak chest and an even weaker malformed heart. “Your baby is too small and his heart is deformed! If we do, we’ll kill him!”

The code leader shakes his head. “Time of death ….”

“No!”

“3:36 p.m.”

The thirty-third death is the best death. You’re the one in charge. If a code is called, you will wield the paddles, call out “Clear!” You have the final say on time of death if it occurs. You won’t let those words pass your lips.

But she smiles at you through her pure white hair. “I’m ready to leave. Are you ready to let me go?”

You sob, throw down the clipboard. “No, Mom! I don’t want you to.”

She still wears the tender smile of years past as her body wastes away and shrivels to a mere fraction of her vitality. “But it’s necessary. I need you to. And you know it.”

“Mom ….”

And she brushes her hand against yours, squeezing it once before closing her eyes. “You’re ready.”

You kiss her cooling cheek then note: “Time of death: 9:12 a.m., Thursday, April 24 ….”

Red Light, Turn Green

Red Light, Turn Green

Red light turn green

I want to get out of this place

I don’t want to be seen

Let’s just finish this race

I’m tired of everything

Completely falling apart

Ripping me inside.

Breaking my heart.

Red light turn green

I hate sitting here

Wondering about things

That I shouldn’t fear

My mind is racing

At one hundred and ten

My heart is blazing

My heads in a spin

I grab the silver

My body turns red

I start to shiver

Then curl up in bed

Red light turn green

My heart is still pounding

I don’t want to think

About everything around me

Let’s just close ourselves off

Into this small world

Lets get up on top

And go for a swirl

Red light turn green

I need to go away

I don’t want to be seen

Let’s leave this place

Its time that I go

To a world unknown

Let’s hop in a plane

Where my face wont show

A place far away

A time way far back

A completely different day

Maybe I can find some slack

I need to find my place

In this very big world

But instead I just stay

While my head’s in a swirl

I gain then lose

Great people here and there

Don’t know what to do

So i just sit and stare

I want to be great

I want to fit in

But it seems like each day

I’m just left here to spin

The red light turned green

I start to go

But I am afraid to be seen

So I go back down below