I never really pour my heart and soul out like this but this is one of rare times that I feel led to open up and share this.
2 years ago I was in the basement of the chapel at Bacone talking my spirituality and my relationship with God with someone who at times has probably wanted to throw a Bible at my head on more than one occassion, I'm sure.
2 years ago this certain person told me that I was at a crossroads in my walk with God. Put more specifically, I was essentially in my own Garden of Gethsemane.
2 years ago I was on a bridge...on one end: a little girl in Sunday School...on the other end...the woman of God that I so desperately wanted to be. Where was I? Well, I was somewhere in the middle.
2 years ago I was in one of the most demonic, darkest times of my life. We won't talk details but let's just say- the thought of taking the easy road out and signing away scholarships, withdraw forms, and saying "College isn't for me" was considered more than once during this period of 5 months where I wanted nothing to do with church or God.
2 years ago after this little chat, I went back to my dorm room, turned up the music and began setting about cleaning my room and re-decorating my bulletin board.
2 years ago upon changing out pictures on this bulletin board, I came across a letter to God I had written the Wednesday before.
The letter said:
Okay, Lord::
I am done with all of this!
I want to be totally free of all of this right now...right here and right now!!
Father, show me and lead me to get these chains off.
God, I want to go back to how things were before.
God, when I look in the mirror every morning, the girl I see is soo not who I want to be.
All I want is to go back to everything I was a long time ago.
God, please show me how to live my life like You want me to live it.
Show me what the plan that You have for my life.
God, I want to be free of all this.
I can't do this alone.
I have no strength left.
Show me that its's okay to kind of branch out and even more- to branch out to You.
God, You have always said that Your word will never return void.
God, I need Your Word in my life--now--even more than ever!!
God I am so torn and so broken.
I need You to show me or tell me whatever it is that I need to do.
God, please!!
Tell me that its's all gonna be okay.
God, I feel like it's the world against me.
God, I DREAD coming to practice and coming to worship.
My heart is becoming so hard and so cold.
I am scared of what's gonna happen next.
All I need...actually I don't even know what it is that I need.
What I do know is that I am spiraling down the same self-destructive path I was on last semester.
God, I am so scared of where I am going to end up.
You gotta help me.
If there was ever such a thing as God...either spiritually and/or metaphorically... slapping you in the face...I think I found it.
2 years ago, I sat at my desk in my room contemplating and reflecting on everything that was said and done that day. I wasn't sure what it was that I wanted at that time.
2 years ago it would have been an understatement to say that I was insecure in both my abilities and myself to really step up to the calling that God had placed on my life.
2 years ago, this chapter would end on March 17, 2010.
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Fast forward to 2 years later.
Now I am more confident in who I am in God.
Now more than ever- I can hold my head up.
Now I will never forget where I've been, but can now rest in the fact that it's behind me and I can go forward.
Now I can openly talk about my struggles and not feel brought down or tempted by them.
Now I can say that God ultimately showed up and saved me from myself.
Now I can say that without God standing by me during that dark time 2 years ago, I honestly don't know where I would be today.
All I can say is that God is amazing. There are no other words to describe it.
He proved..then and now...that He will NEVER leave or forsake His children.
He taught me that even in all of my broknenness, He met me where I was and He welcomed me back with open arms.
That's my Daddy in Heaven.
That's my Provider.
That's my everything!!
**End**
He proved..then and now...that He will NEVER leave or forsake His children.
He taught me that even in all of my broknenness, He met me where I was and He welcomed me back with open arms.
That's my Daddy in Heaven.
That's my Provider.
That's my everything!!
**End**
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