Okay so today...actually let me rewind to last night. It was pretty legit...I didn't sleep at all last night, which is really nothing new after God speaks or touches my heart in an awesome, tangible way. Well, today I had prayer...given everything that's hpapened with Sawyer and with all the shit that that's gone on the past month or so with my spirituality, I think the phrase "locked and loaded" was a total understatement. Well, I had leftover mac and cheese for breakfast and went back to bed. I woke up around 1:30 and started studying for my US History test tomorrow. I'm like freaking the fuck out. It's so crazy but I'm sure it will be fine.
So after I studied for about an hour, this bitch texts me..let's call her "Rihanna". I swear on all that is holy, my stomach jumped into my throat. She asked me if I would go with her to take food to people in Prague or whatever as part of serving with the food distribution ministry thing whatever.
At first I was so uncomfortable because I wasn't sure what to expect about what was going to happen when we finally got to the house where we were going to take the food. I'm also not really used to hanging with "Rihanna" like outside of like Bible study and stuff. Even though we were literally like in the middle of freaking nowhere, it felt like I was back at John 3:16 Mission again. I've gotta say, I needed that feeling. I needed the feeling of remembering what it's like to get my mind off of myself and focus on blessing someone else. I needed a fresh perspective of seeing someone else... and I guess you could say that I needed a big ass dose of humility.
The whole trip took about an hour to get there and back, which was the only really uncomfortable thing about this little adventure.
On the way back, she brought up the CD of the sermon that she wanted me to listen to. I kinda began to shut her out and I could tell that she kind of saw through that and more or less pressed on.
Well, she was like "Please don't shut me out." She mentioned Sawyer and mentioned when she saw me on Monday. Dear God, I was looking pretty rough. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.
To be honest, even now, it seems like the only way I can deal with everything up to Sawyer's suicide, is to put the walls back up around my heart and close off anyone and everyone that tries to get too close. It sounds really selfish, ut I think Im fighting so hard to see who will grab me and say "Keep fighting but I'll never stop fighting for you".
It sounds even more selfish, but even thought God gave me the peace and was there to comfort me last night, I'm still fighting everyone that loves me.
I know tht I am definitely going to have to step out of my comfort zone and open my heart to "Rihanna" eventually but I'm just not ready. I'm not.
Dear God, I am like a therapist's worst nightmare. hahaha.
Well, anyway..so she was talking and in my mind, I kept thinking about how I'm still on the fence about whether or not I'm fully ready to lay the cards out on the table and bare my heart to her...Ughh...
So at the present moment, I'm sitting in Theology II listening to the instructor's lecture. Hahaha...I think class is like almost over.
I'm out .
**End**
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