Okay so...I know on my Facebook page a few days ago, I mentioned watching an ancient episode of the Cosby Show where Theo gets a job at an after school youth center. As I re-watched this episode last night, it put some stuff into perspective and that's where this blog originated from!!
To my parents::
I just wanted you both to know how much I appreciate you both.
Even though we fight and argue at times, I don't know where I would be without you.
I just want you to know how blessed I feel that you raised me in church and how even more than that- you taught me right from wrong and to always put God first.
You have both stood by my side through all of my stupid mistakes and all of my victories.
I really do thank God for the both of you.
You both taught me the importance of worshipping and serving God and you showed me the importance of serving others.
So instead of asking for a new laptop battery, a new camera, a new phone, or a new laptop cord--
I just wanted to say thank you for everything that you've done in the past, present, and future.
I love you guys
Monday, March 19, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
March 17, 2010- 2 Years of Healing
"It's well past midnight and I've got questions that won't wait for daylight. Separating fact from my imaginary fiction, on this shelf of my conviction. I need to find a place where You and I come face to face."
First off:: allow me to be totally open...This is something I never do.
I never really pour my heart and soul out like this but this is one of rare times that I feel led to open up and share this.
2 years ago, a good friend told me that I was at a crossroads in my walk with God. Put more specifically, I was essentially in my own Garden of Gethsemane.
2 years ago, I was on a bridge...on one end: a little girl in Sunday School...on the other end...the woman of God that I so desperately wanted to be. Where was I? Well, I was somewhere in the middle.
2 years ago, I was in one of the most demonic, darkest times of my life. We won't talk details but let's just say- the thought of taking the easy road out and signing away scholarships, withdraw forms, and saying "College isn't for me" was considered more than once during this period of 5 months where I wanted nothing to do with church or God.
2 years ago tonight, right around the time I'm typing this...I was sitting in Bacone's chapel repenting for everything that was said and done during afore mentioned 5-month period.
2 years ago, God stepped in and changed my life.
2 years ago tonight, I re-dedicated my life and heart to God.
2 years ago tonight, my Facebook status said:
"God, I know You are putting me through a test of faith right now. God, I know that I haven’t been very obedient lately. God, this is not something I want to continue. God, no matter what, You get all the praise. God, I am so, so grateful that You changed my heart and gave my attitude an overall makeover. To those of you in my life, just know that I love you guys very much and I am so grateful that God placed you in my life. God, thank You so much for taking me back as Your child and showing me that I really DO need You to survive!! **I lift my eyes onto the hills..where does my help come from?? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth!!”
2 years ago tonight, God saved me from myself.
Flash forward 2 years later.....
Now I will never forget where I've been, but can now rest in the fact that it's behind me and I can go forward.
First off:: allow me to be totally open...This is something I never do.
I never really pour my heart and soul out like this but this is one of rare times that I feel led to open up and share this.
2 years ago, a good friend told me that I was at a crossroads in my walk with God. Put more specifically, I was essentially in my own Garden of Gethsemane.
2 years ago, I was on a bridge...on one end: a little girl in Sunday School...on the other end...the woman of God that I so desperately wanted to be. Where was I? Well, I was somewhere in the middle.
2 years ago, I was in one of the most demonic, darkest times of my life. We won't talk details but let's just say- the thought of taking the easy road out and signing away scholarships, withdraw forms, and saying "College isn't for me" was considered more than once during this period of 5 months where I wanted nothing to do with church or God.
2 years ago tonight, right around the time I'm typing this...I was sitting in Bacone's chapel repenting for everything that was said and done during afore mentioned 5-month period.
2 years ago, God stepped in and changed my life.
2 years ago tonight, I re-dedicated my life and heart to God.
2 years ago tonight, my Facebook status said:
"God, I know You are putting me through a test of faith right now. God, I know that I haven’t been very obedient lately. God, this is not something I want to continue. God, no matter what, You get all the praise. God, I am so, so grateful that You changed my heart and gave my attitude an overall makeover. To those of you in my life, just know that I love you guys very much and I am so grateful that God placed you in my life. God, thank You so much for taking me back as Your child and showing me that I really DO need You to survive!! **I lift my eyes onto the hills..where does my help come from?? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth!!”
2 years ago tonight, God saved me from myself.
Flash forward 2 years later.....
Now I am more confident in who I am in God.
Now more than ever- I can hold my head up.
Now I will never forget where I've been, but can now rest in the fact that it's behind me and I can go forward.
Now I can openly talk about my struggles and not feel brought down or tempted by them.
Now I can say that God ultimately showed up and saved me from myself.
Now I can say that without God standing by me during that dark time 2 years ago, I honestly don't know where I would be today.
All I can say is that God is amazing. There are no other words to describe it.
He proved..then and now...that He will NEVER leave or forsake His children.
He taught me that even in all of my broknenness, He met me where I was and He welcomed me back with open arms.
He is my Daddy in Heaven.
He is my Provider.
He is my Everything.
It's been a long road the past 2 years but with Him at my side, there's nothing I can't do.
Even now in this trial with having a broken ankle-- He has shown me that His grace is sufficient and like always, He will stand by me and get me through this.
So...there's really nothing left to say....
Be blessed peeps and I'll see ya next time!!
Byee!!
He proved..then and now...that He will NEVER leave or forsake His children.
He taught me that even in all of my broknenness, He met me where I was and He welcomed me back with open arms.
He is my Daddy in Heaven.
He is my Provider.
He is my Everything.
It's been a long road the past 2 years but with Him at my side, there's nothing I can't do.
Even now in this trial with having a broken ankle-- He has shown me that His grace is sufficient and like always, He will stand by me and get me through this.
So...there's really nothing left to say....
Be blessed peeps and I'll see ya next time!!
Byee!!
"It's way past midnight and I'm awake with questions that won't wait until daylight.."
First off:: allow me to be totally open...This is something I never do.
I never really pour my heart and soul out like this but this is one of rare times that I feel led to open up and share this.
2 years ago I was in the basement of the chapel at Bacone talking my spirituality and my relationship with God with someone who at times has probably wanted to throw a Bible at my head on more than one occassion, I'm sure.
2 years ago this certain person told me that I was at a crossroads in my walk with God. Put more specifically, I was essentially in my own Garden of Gethsemane.
2 years ago I was on a bridge...on one end: a little girl in Sunday School...on the other end...the woman of God that I so desperately wanted to be. Where was I? Well, I was somewhere in the middle.
2 years ago I was in one of the most demonic, darkest times of my life. We won't talk details but let's just say- the thought of taking the easy road out and signing away scholarships, withdraw forms, and saying "College isn't for me" was considered more than once during this period of 5 months where I wanted nothing to do with church or God.
2 years ago after this little chat, I went back to my dorm room, turned up the music and began setting about cleaning my room and re-decorating my bulletin board.
2 years ago upon changing out pictures on this bulletin board, I came across a letter to God I had written the Wednesday before.
The letter said:
Okay, Lord::
I am done with all of this!
I want to be totally free of all of this right now...right here and right now!!
Father, show me and lead me to get these chains off.
God, I want to go back to how things were before.
God, when I look in the mirror every morning, the girl I see is soo not who I want to be.
All I want is to go back to everything I was a long time ago.
God, please show me how to live my life like You want me to live it.
Show me what the plan that You have for my life.
God, I want to be free of all this.
I can't do this alone.
I have no strength left.
Show me that its's okay to kind of branch out and even more- to branch out to You.
God, You have always said that Your word will never return void.
God, I need Your Word in my life--now--even more than ever!!
God I am so torn and so broken.
I need You to show me or tell me whatever it is that I need to do.
God, please!!
Tell me that its's all gonna be okay.
God, I feel like it's the world against me.
God, I DREAD coming to practice and coming to worship.
My heart is becoming so hard and so cold.
I am scared of what's gonna happen next.
All I need...actually I don't even know what it is that I need.
What I do know is that I am spiraling down the same self-destructive path I was on last semester.
God, I am so scared of where I am going to end up.
You gotta help me.
If there was ever such a thing as God...either spiritually and/or metaphorically... slapping you in the face...I think I found it.
Now I will never forget where I've been, but can now rest in the fact that it's behind me and I can go forward.
I never really pour my heart and soul out like this but this is one of rare times that I feel led to open up and share this.
2 years ago I was in the basement of the chapel at Bacone talking my spirituality and my relationship with God with someone who at times has probably wanted to throw a Bible at my head on more than one occassion, I'm sure.
2 years ago this certain person told me that I was at a crossroads in my walk with God. Put more specifically, I was essentially in my own Garden of Gethsemane.
2 years ago I was on a bridge...on one end: a little girl in Sunday School...on the other end...the woman of God that I so desperately wanted to be. Where was I? Well, I was somewhere in the middle.
2 years ago I was in one of the most demonic, darkest times of my life. We won't talk details but let's just say- the thought of taking the easy road out and signing away scholarships, withdraw forms, and saying "College isn't for me" was considered more than once during this period of 5 months where I wanted nothing to do with church or God.
2 years ago after this little chat, I went back to my dorm room, turned up the music and began setting about cleaning my room and re-decorating my bulletin board.
2 years ago upon changing out pictures on this bulletin board, I came across a letter to God I had written the Wednesday before.
The letter said:
Okay, Lord::
I am done with all of this!
I want to be totally free of all of this right now...right here and right now!!
Father, show me and lead me to get these chains off.
God, I want to go back to how things were before.
God, when I look in the mirror every morning, the girl I see is soo not who I want to be.
All I want is to go back to everything I was a long time ago.
God, please show me how to live my life like You want me to live it.
Show me what the plan that You have for my life.
God, I want to be free of all this.
I can't do this alone.
I have no strength left.
Show me that its's okay to kind of branch out and even more- to branch out to You.
God, You have always said that Your word will never return void.
God, I need Your Word in my life--now--even more than ever!!
God I am so torn and so broken.
I need You to show me or tell me whatever it is that I need to do.
God, please!!
Tell me that its's all gonna be okay.
God, I feel like it's the world against me.
God, I DREAD coming to practice and coming to worship.
My heart is becoming so hard and so cold.
I am scared of what's gonna happen next.
All I need...actually I don't even know what it is that I need.
What I do know is that I am spiraling down the same self-destructive path I was on last semester.
God, I am so scared of where I am going to end up.
You gotta help me.
If there was ever such a thing as God...either spiritually and/or metaphorically... slapping you in the face...I think I found it.
2 years ago, I sat at my desk in my room contemplating and reflecting on everything that was said and done that day. I wasn't sure what it was that I wanted at that time.
2 years ago it would have been an understatement to say that I was insecure in both my abilities and myself to really step up to the calling that God had placed on my life.
2 years ago, this chapter would end on March 17, 2010.
======================================================================
Fast forward to 2 years later.
Now I am more confident in who I am in God.
Now more than ever- I can hold my head up.
Now I will never forget where I've been, but can now rest in the fact that it's behind me and I can go forward.
Now I can openly talk about my struggles and not feel brought down or tempted by them.
Now I can say that God ultimately showed up and saved me from myself.
Now I can say that without God standing by me during that dark time 2 years ago, I honestly don't know where I would be today.
All I can say is that God is amazing. There are no other words to describe it.
He proved..then and now...that He will NEVER leave or forsake His children.
He taught me that even in all of my broknenness, He met me where I was and He welcomed me back with open arms.
That's my Daddy in Heaven.
That's my Provider.
That's my everything!!
**End**
He proved..then and now...that He will NEVER leave or forsake His children.
He taught me that even in all of my broknenness, He met me where I was and He welcomed me back with open arms.
That's my Daddy in Heaven.
That's my Provider.
That's my everything!!
**End**
Monday, December 5, 2011
Bow Chicka Wow Wow..hahaha.
Hey Hey Howdy my wonderful blog peeps!
Okay..soo...It's been a little bit since I'veupdated this thing.
#EpicFail, right!!?
Okay so I'm about 48 hours-ish from being free of my slave driver...Err...Praise Team dick-tator...err...the person that literally holds my scholarship in his evil little hands.
But I digress.
In all seriousness, I'm currently dealing with a family crisis...
At the moment I'm sitting in Hillcrest ICU with my mom...and yes.. Yes there is a patient computer to use in the rooms.
But back to being serious.
My family...myself included...have had a relatively trying year healthwise.
I will definitely say that through this, we're trusting God to carry us through this trial.
But..lemme back up.
Okay so last night I was in our dining room studying for a final in Sein's class..and my mom came in with shortness of breath and had me take her to the ER.
To lighten the somberness of this, lemme tell ya...that was one epic drive.
But back to the point of the matter...
We still don't have any clear answers and will get more info tomorrow...
but when we came up to the hospital..that for the record...Yes..does have a patient computer...and the damn thing is better than my laptop...
My dad was like "She looks so much better than she did this morning..."
When my dad came home from being with her this morning while I was sleeping off the effects of my all nighter...we both had like major emotional breakdowns.
I think I cried from the moment he came home which was like 4:15..we left around 5:00...and then we got here around 6:00ish...
I finally stopped when we were about 10 minutes away from Hillcrest.
I normally do this kind of thing behind closed doors but I honest to God have never been more scared.
The good news is that she's doing better...
So here's to hoping and praying that they get all of this figured out and fixed ASAP.
Also note that upon using this amazing Godsend of a computer...I checked to see if Sein uploaded my grade...
Guess who got a 90 on this Anatomy final??!!
THIS KID!!
I told my mom about it and she was all excited..that's gotta be a good sign, right??
Well..I'm gonna go ahead and end this here...
Peace out, Girl Scouts!!
Okay..soo...It's been a little bit since I'veupdated this thing.
#EpicFail, right!!?
Okay so I'm about 48 hours-ish from being free of my slave driver...Err...Praise Team dick-tator...err...the person that literally holds my scholarship in his evil little hands.
But I digress.
In all seriousness, I'm currently dealing with a family crisis...
At the moment I'm sitting in Hillcrest ICU with my mom...and yes.. Yes there is a patient computer to use in the rooms.
But back to being serious.
My family...myself included...have had a relatively trying year healthwise.
I will definitely say that through this, we're trusting God to carry us through this trial.
But..lemme back up.
Okay so last night I was in our dining room studying for a final in Sein's class..and my mom came in with shortness of breath and had me take her to the ER.
To lighten the somberness of this, lemme tell ya...that was one epic drive.
But back to the point of the matter...
We still don't have any clear answers and will get more info tomorrow...
but when we came up to the hospital..that for the record...Yes..does have a patient computer...and the damn thing is better than my laptop...
My dad was like "She looks so much better than she did this morning..."
When my dad came home from being with her this morning while I was sleeping off the effects of my all nighter...we both had like major emotional breakdowns.
I think I cried from the moment he came home which was like 4:15..we left around 5:00...and then we got here around 6:00ish...
I finally stopped when we were about 10 minutes away from Hillcrest.
I normally do this kind of thing behind closed doors but I honest to God have never been more scared.
The good news is that she's doing better...
So here's to hoping and praying that they get all of this figured out and fixed ASAP.
Also note that upon using this amazing Godsend of a computer...I checked to see if Sein uploaded my grade...
Guess who got a 90 on this Anatomy final??!!
THIS KID!!
I told my mom about it and she was all excited..that's gotta be a good sign, right??
Well..I'm gonna go ahead and end this here...
Peace out, Girl Scouts!!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
There Goes My Life
Hey!
Okay so it has been some time since I’ve posted anything on this.
Because I am such an awesome blogger…I think it’s time for me to really open up about everything that’s happened this far this semester.
I will say that for those that are following me on Facebook, you pretty well know how I’ve felt about everything that’s happened this semester. It’s been a crazy ride.
Uhm…I know that I say a lot on my Facebook statuses and Tweets…but deep down, I really do love the praise team.
Even though I hate the leadership…or a lack thereof…I really do feel like I was born to worship.
As much as I love to worship and as much as I love my friends on the praise team…I feel like I’m stuck in a life that I did not agree to.
I feel like I’m losing myself more and more each day.
It sucks that a ministry group could cause this much drama and this much crap.
It sucks that I feel deep in my heart that the more I stay with this group, the more and more I feel like I am totally losing control of who I am and who I really want to be.
It sucks even more that a group that is supposed to help me become a better and stronger Christian woman is instead making me more and more bitter and all the more jaded.
I feel like it’s forming me into someone that I don’t even recognize.
It sucks that after the past year and a half, when I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize the girl that’s looking back at me.
It really sucks that this is where I am and this is really is definitely NOT a life that I would have chosen for myself.
As for whether or not that I would do another praise and worship group again, It’s debatable.
Sometimes I want to say…yes….other times…after experiencing all of the work that goes into a choir and all of that, I really don’t think that I would want to do something like this ever again.
Moving on from the “Taking a walk down memory lane” portion of this post….we take a giant leap to the present.
Okay so…
I will have to say…because of how worn-down I’ve become from all of this…and how I constantly feel like I’m being dragged down from all of this.
It sucks.
Because of all of this, I feel like there was some definite irreparable damage done.
Because of how far I feel like I was pushed this semester, I’ve begun the application process to Northeastern State.
I’ll get my decision letter this week.
I’m scared shitless.
This is gonna be a week that’s gonna be full of nerves, freak-out, and maybe some meltdowns thrown into the mix.
Mmmkayy..I think this is all I wanted to say at this point.
I’ll either add or post a new blog later in the week!!
Deuces!!
Deuces!!
Peace out, Girl Scout!!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The Reconciliation of a College Student
Hey...so for those that have been following my blog..you may have noticed how one-sided and bitter I may have seemed.
After taking a month or so deciding whether or not I was going to make this public....
I have decided that I am NOT going to make it as public as I had originally planned. There are several reasons for this.
The main reason being that the only reason I even started this was based solely on my own bitterness and therefore, was doing it straight up out of spite.
After spending a semester at Bacone..I have decided that even though there have been a lot of problems with the praise team and the academic leadership..or lack thereof..at said upper education establishment...I've come to the realization that I was doing this blog for all of the wrong reasons.
Like I said, I was doing this just as an 'In your face' type of thing.
After spending a lot of time soul searching and going over and over in my mind about what to do and whether or not I was gonna go through with posting this blog URL to my Facebook page...the ending result being a question that I kept asking myself...
"If I post this on Facebook...what am I really trying to prove?"
Am I doing this just to..in my mind..retaliate...or..am I really doing this to move forward from all that I had to deal with my last few months at Family of Faith?
At the end of the day, I realized that if I do make it public and if I do make it known that this is something that I have been hiding for so many months, I would just be feeding into my own bitterness and at the same time...Hell...that's all I would be doing. hahaha.
So...as for the fact that I did nothing constructive/productive in this blog other than just talking in circles....
I'm more than likely gonna end it here...
So take it for what it's worth....hahaha.
Peace out, Girl scout!
After taking a month or so deciding whether or not I was going to make this public....
I have decided that I am NOT going to make it as public as I had originally planned. There are several reasons for this.
The main reason being that the only reason I even started this was based solely on my own bitterness and therefore, was doing it straight up out of spite.
After spending a semester at Bacone..I have decided that even though there have been a lot of problems with the praise team and the academic leadership..or lack thereof..at said upper education establishment...I've come to the realization that I was doing this blog for all of the wrong reasons.
Like I said, I was doing this just as an 'In your face' type of thing.
After spending a lot of time soul searching and going over and over in my mind about what to do and whether or not I was gonna go through with posting this blog URL to my Facebook page...the ending result being a question that I kept asking myself...
"If I post this on Facebook...what am I really trying to prove?"
Am I doing this just to..in my mind..retaliate...or..am I really doing this to move forward from all that I had to deal with my last few months at Family of Faith?
At the end of the day, I realized that if I do make it public and if I do make it known that this is something that I have been hiding for so many months, I would just be feeding into my own bitterness and at the same time...Hell...that's all I would be doing. hahaha.
So...as for the fact that I did nothing constructive/productive in this blog other than just talking in circles....
I'm more than likely gonna end it here...
So take it for what it's worth....hahaha.
Peace out, Girl scout!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Wherever I Go Originally written 5-10-11
Here we are now
Everything's about to change
We face tomorrow
As we say good-bye to yesterday
A chapter ending but the story's
Only just begun
A page is turning for everyone
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I'm finding out
Who I'm gonna be
We mught be apart but
I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
So excited
I can barely even catch my breath
We have each other
To lean on for the road ahead
A happy ending
Is the start of all our dreams
And I know your heart is with me
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but
I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
It's time to show the world
That we've got something to say
A song to sing out loud
We'll never fade away
I know I'll miss you
But we'll meet again someday
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart
But I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I find out
Who I'm gonna be
We might be apart
But I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Okay so I had my US History final this morning, came back, crashed...studied for Theology..and here I am now..it is 7:35 on Tuesday night and I go home Thursday for good.
And yes..I did seriously just quote a Hannah Whoretana..er..Montana song.
Don't judge me!! LOL!!
Right now I'm munching on a delish salad and studying for my Theology II final tomorrow night.
I've gotta say..it feels so weird that tomorrow is gonna be it. Tomorrow will be my last night in Shawnee forever.
Tomorrow will be my last night sleeping in that bed. Sleeping in this room.
This will be one of the final journal entries written in this room.
It feels so weird that when I go home Thursday morning, my blog will be hella blown up with all the entries I've written the past few months that will be finally made public.
Looking back, I know ther were so many things that I would have done differently. Even though I swore up and down that I wasn't gonna leave this place with regrets...With as many things that I would do differently..There are twice as many things that I've done at Family of Faith that I unfortunately DO regret doing.
It pisses me off to know that there were things that went on this year that shouldn't have and there are things that didn't happen that should.
God. It freaking sucks that I have essentially wasted this whole year..and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing.
Honest to God...I really do feel like this year was a total waste. Nothing changd. If anything, I think I'm more screwed up now than I was when I came in. In all honesty...I do feel like I was brain washed into coming here. I feel like when I came here, everyone was supportive..but when it all comes down to it..when I needed support...no one was there for me. I have never felt so alone or alienated ever in my life. I feel like no one was really here for me. I feel like I was essentially being set up to fail since fucking day one!!
It hurts me to know that if I hadn't of been so caught up in everything that happened with the praise team and all of that senseless and useless crap..I could have just been a semester behind.
Hell..I could have possibly been a junior by now.
It makes me sick to know that this whole year has been a waste..
Academically..I've accomplished nothing.
Spiritually...I'm the same as when I came.
The really sad part about this whole thing is that the only thing I HAVE accomplished is the fact that Ict of being away from the parents for a year kind of made me realize that I needed to be out on my own.
When I was at home, I felt stuck and I wasn't growing and I wasn't developing...
Being out on my own..I had to do it and I wanted t odo it.
On another aspect..I will definitely miss my friends and classmates. To tell you the truth...
even this morning during the final..I wanted to break into tears because of the fact that the majoity of the people in that room were pople that I would never see again. Thank God for texting and Facebook.
That's all I gotta say.
After said brutal final..
I went up to the library and saw 2 seniors. As we were leaving to go to the dorms...I had to say goodbye to them.
I was fighting tears so bad you don't even know.
We hugged and aside from almost becoming an emotional wreck, it was time to go.
I know that this is just the etip of the iceburg and the tears are yet to come.
Seeing everyone in class tomorrow night is gonna be hell.
It's gonna friggin' suck saying goodbye because that's it. This is the end.
This is definitely the end of the road.
Tomorrow is the end of this adventure.
First thing thursday morning, I'm packing the last of my stuff and going home for the next chapter of my life.
I guess you could say that this is a definite modern day version of the Prodigal Son.
I'm going home where I know that God wants me and where I belong.
I've come to the conclusion that even though I am grateful that I was given a chance to be here, I know that I wasn't meant to stay here longer than I had planned. To quote LT "Just come home...it's time to come home..just come home".
If there's one thing that I've learned by being here for a year..it's that you never know what you've got until it's gone.
Family of Faith..to some extent, I'll miss you.
Bacone, I love you with all my heart and I'm ready to see what shenanigans you and I get into this summer and fall.
Let's rock, baby!
On a lighter note..it feels so weird that this adventure is over.
It seems like 2 weeks ago I was moving in and now I'm getting ready to move out..or..finish..moving out..either way..hahaha.
It's so crazy how fast the time flies.
I honestly thought that when it catually came down to the days of me moving out..I would wonder that if I could go back and doi it all again...would I?
The answer: Undecided.
Part of me wants to say "Yes, I would."
Another part fo me says "If I could, how would I know that I would make different decisions and not just make the same ones over again and make more mistakes, waste more time and money"...and for an education that I could get elsewhere with people who actually care if I succeed and who are there to laugh with me and cry with me when I fall fall short.
This is why I love Bacone.
Even with all of the immorality...at least the people at Bacone really do have your best interests at heart.
Whereas..I didn't get that feeling at Family of Faith.
It seems like you'e being set up to fail from the second you walk in the door.
I honestly feel like I was nothing but a number.
Nothing but a paycheck.
I've said it before and I will say it again:: I really do feel like I've joined a cult.
It hurts me because as much as I want to defend the school...I cannot in good conscience recommend this college to anyone at this point and time of my existence.
It sucks but it is what it is.
I hate it.
I hate constantly being torn down and bitched at for every little thing because my faith isn't strong enough and I was never good enough.
I hated the meetings every God damn day about how a low test grade was equal to "Slapping God in the face".
I hate being told that I'm not good enough.
Most of all..I hate the "Holier than thou" bull shit that I've had to put up with every damn day since I've been here.
It sucks.
I've let one man dictate every little thing I do all my life and I will be DAMNED if I let someone else do the same damn thing.
I hate how everyone gets so involved in my personal life with phone calls and texts out the ying yang.
I swear on all that is mother effing holy...
I honest to God do feel like I was kind of forced into coming here.
I swear to God...Show me someone who is so damn close to godliness that can prophesy!!
Ughh..I swear that I will regret the day I came here every day for the rest of my life.
I will NEVER MAKE THIS DECISION AGAIN EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mark. My. Words.
Soo...there you have a year's worth of venting..now that that's all said and done...
I feel a lot better about everything.
Peace Out, Girl Scout!
Everything's about to change
We face tomorrow
As we say good-bye to yesterday
A chapter ending but the story's
Only just begun
A page is turning for everyone
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I'm finding out
Who I'm gonna be
We mught be apart but
I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
So excited
I can barely even catch my breath
We have each other
To lean on for the road ahead
A happy ending
Is the start of all our dreams
And I know your heart is with me
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but
I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
It's time to show the world
That we've got something to say
A song to sing out loud
We'll never fade away
I know I'll miss you
But we'll meet again someday
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart
But I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories
While I find out
Who I'm gonna be
We might be apart
But I hope you'll always know
You'll be with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Okay so I had my US History final this morning, came back, crashed...studied for Theology..and here I am now..it is 7:35 on Tuesday night and I go home Thursday for good.
And yes..I did seriously just quote a Hannah Whoretana..er..Montana song.
Don't judge me!! LOL!!
Right now I'm munching on a delish salad and studying for my Theology II final tomorrow night.
I've gotta say..it feels so weird that tomorrow is gonna be it. Tomorrow will be my last night in Shawnee forever.
Tomorrow will be my last night sleeping in that bed. Sleeping in this room.
This will be one of the final journal entries written in this room.
It feels so weird that when I go home Thursday morning, my blog will be hella blown up with all the entries I've written the past few months that will be finally made public.
Looking back, I know ther were so many things that I would have done differently. Even though I swore up and down that I wasn't gonna leave this place with regrets...With as many things that I would do differently..There are twice as many things that I've done at Family of Faith that I unfortunately DO regret doing.
It pisses me off to know that there were things that went on this year that shouldn't have and there are things that didn't happen that should.
God. It freaking sucks that I have essentially wasted this whole year..and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing.
Honest to God...I really do feel like this year was a total waste. Nothing changd. If anything, I think I'm more screwed up now than I was when I came in. In all honesty...I do feel like I was brain washed into coming here. I feel like when I came here, everyone was supportive..but when it all comes down to it..when I needed support...no one was there for me. I have never felt so alone or alienated ever in my life. I feel like no one was really here for me. I feel like I was essentially being set up to fail since fucking day one!!
It hurts me to know that if I hadn't of been so caught up in everything that happened with the praise team and all of that senseless and useless crap..I could have just been a semester behind.
Hell..I could have possibly been a junior by now.
It makes me sick to know that this whole year has been a waste..
Academically..I've accomplished nothing.
Spiritually...I'm the same as when I came.
The really sad part about this whole thing is that the only thing I HAVE accomplished is the fact that Ict of being away from the parents for a year kind of made me realize that I needed to be out on my own.
When I was at home, I felt stuck and I wasn't growing and I wasn't developing...
Being out on my own..I had to do it and I wanted t odo it.
On another aspect..I will definitely miss my friends and classmates. To tell you the truth...
even this morning during the final..I wanted to break into tears because of the fact that the majoity of the people in that room were pople that I would never see again. Thank God for texting and Facebook.
That's all I gotta say.
After said brutal final..
I went up to the library and saw 2 seniors. As we were leaving to go to the dorms...I had to say goodbye to them.
I was fighting tears so bad you don't even know.
We hugged and aside from almost becoming an emotional wreck, it was time to go.
I know that this is just the etip of the iceburg and the tears are yet to come.
Seeing everyone in class tomorrow night is gonna be hell.
It's gonna friggin' suck saying goodbye because that's it. This is the end.
This is definitely the end of the road.
Tomorrow is the end of this adventure.
First thing thursday morning, I'm packing the last of my stuff and going home for the next chapter of my life.
I guess you could say that this is a definite modern day version of the Prodigal Son.
I'm going home where I know that God wants me and where I belong.
I've come to the conclusion that even though I am grateful that I was given a chance to be here, I know that I wasn't meant to stay here longer than I had planned. To quote LT "Just come home...it's time to come home..just come home".
If there's one thing that I've learned by being here for a year..it's that you never know what you've got until it's gone.
Family of Faith..to some extent, I'll miss you.
Bacone, I love you with all my heart and I'm ready to see what shenanigans you and I get into this summer and fall.
Let's rock, baby!
On a lighter note..it feels so weird that this adventure is over.
It seems like 2 weeks ago I was moving in and now I'm getting ready to move out..or..finish..moving out..either way..hahaha.
It's so crazy how fast the time flies.
I honestly thought that when it catually came down to the days of me moving out..I would wonder that if I could go back and doi it all again...would I?
The answer: Undecided.
Part of me wants to say "Yes, I would."
Another part fo me says "If I could, how would I know that I would make different decisions and not just make the same ones over again and make more mistakes, waste more time and money"...and for an education that I could get elsewhere with people who actually care if I succeed and who are there to laugh with me and cry with me when I fall fall short.
This is why I love Bacone.
Even with all of the immorality...at least the people at Bacone really do have your best interests at heart.
Whereas..I didn't get that feeling at Family of Faith.
It seems like you'e being set up to fail from the second you walk in the door.
I honestly feel like I was nothing but a number.
Nothing but a paycheck.
I've said it before and I will say it again:: I really do feel like I've joined a cult.
It hurts me because as much as I want to defend the school...I cannot in good conscience recommend this college to anyone at this point and time of my existence.
It sucks but it is what it is.
I hate it.
I hate constantly being torn down and bitched at for every little thing because my faith isn't strong enough and I was never good enough.
I hated the meetings every God damn day about how a low test grade was equal to "Slapping God in the face".
I hate being told that I'm not good enough.
Most of all..I hate the "Holier than thou" bull shit that I've had to put up with every damn day since I've been here.
It sucks.
I've let one man dictate every little thing I do all my life and I will be DAMNED if I let someone else do the same damn thing.
I hate how everyone gets so involved in my personal life with phone calls and texts out the ying yang.
I swear on all that is mother effing holy...
I honest to God do feel like I was kind of forced into coming here.
I swear to God...Show me someone who is so damn close to godliness that can prophesy!!
Ughh..I swear that I will regret the day I came here every day for the rest of my life.
I will NEVER MAKE THIS DECISION AGAIN EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mark. My. Words.
Soo...there you have a year's worth of venting..now that that's all said and done...
I feel a lot better about everything.
Peace Out, Girl Scout!
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